How to Tell Your Kids You're Getting Divorced: What to Know Based on Their Age

There’s no perfect way to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce. It’s emotional, uncomfortable, and high-stakes. But it’s also an opportunity. How you handle this moment can shape how your kids adjust, how safe they feel, and how you move forward as a family.

While your approach should be based on your child’s age and developmental stage, there’s one key principle to remember:

Every child is different.Your child may not respond in the “typical” way for their age. Some 6-year-olds are emotionally perceptive. Some 16-year-olds still need lots of reassurance. You know your kids best, so let this guide inform your approach, not dictate it.

Whenever Possible: Present the News Together

No matter your child’s age, the ideal scenario is this: both parents sitting down together to explain the situation calmly and clearly. This creates a sense of stability at a time when everything may feel uncertain.

It doesn’t mean you have to be completely in sync emotionally. But showing that you're cooperating for your child’s sake can go a long way.

Why it matters:

• It helps kids see that they are not being asked to choose sides

• It models respectful communication, even in hard times

• It reduces confusion and prevents conflicting messages

  
  

What this can sound like:

• "We’ve made this decision together after a lot of thought."

• "We both love you, and we’re going to keep working as a team when it comes to parenting."

  
  

If sitting down together is truly not safe or emotionally manageable, you can still align the message beforehand. Use the same language. Keep the tone neutral. Avoid venting or blaming — even if it feels justified.

Ages 0–5: The “Real Estate Discussion”

Children in this stage don’t understand divorce in a relational or emotional context. What matters to them is what’s changing in their daily life. Who’s making breakfast? Where is their bed? Will their teddy bear be in the new house?

At this age, the conversation is best framed as a "real estate discussion" focused on logistics and physical surroundings.

What to say:

• "Mommy is going to live in one house, and Daddy is going to live in another house."

• "You’ll have your toys and your bed in both places."

• "We’ll always make sure you know where you’ll be and who will be with you."

Avoid phrases like "We’ll always love you" unless your child is expressing concern about love or security. Sometimes those phrases can unintentionally introduce doubt or worry.

What they need:

• Short, clear language focused on physical details

• Consistent routines, especially around meals, sleep, and transitions

• Calm, predictable presence more than verbal reassurance

  
  

Ages 6–11: Clear, Simple Truths Without Emotional Overload

Children in this age group are emotionally aware but often self-focused. They may worry about how this affects them personally, or wonder if they did something wrong, even if they don’t say it out loud. What they need is clarity, emotional permission, and concrete details about what’s next.

What to say:

• "We’ve decided to live in different homes. This is a decision we’ve made as adults."

• "This isn’t something you caused, and it’s not something you’re expected to fix."

• "You’ll spend time with both of us, and we’ll make sure everything is organized for you."

  
  

What they need:

• Honest, blame-free language

• Space to ask questions or express emotions without pressure

• Reassurance that routines like school, friendships, and hobbies will stay the same as much as possible

  
  

Ages 12–18: Be Real, Respectful, and Clear on Boundaries

Teenagers are capable of understanding the situation but may not show emotion the way younger kids do. Some may act indifferent, some may lash out, and others may take sides. It’s important to treat them with maturity without putting them in an adult role.

What to say:

• "We want to be honest with you. Our relationship isn’t working anymore, and we’ve decided to separate."

• "This will affect your life too, and we’ll keep you informed as we make decisions."

• "You don’t have to take care of us. We’re still your parents."

  
  

What they need:

• Direct, age-appropriate information without oversharing

• Stability in the home, school, and social life

• Emotional boundaries so they are not pulled into conflict or made to mediate

  
  

Adult Children: It Still Hits Hard

Just because your kids are adults does not mean this news won’t affect them. Many adult children feel blindsided or begin reevaluating their family history. They may feel sad, angry, or even relieved. Regardless of the reaction, they deserve direct and respectful communication.

What to say:

• "We want to let you know we’ve decided to end our marriage. This was a thoughtful decision."

• "We understand this may be difficult to hear, and we’re open to talking about it if and when you’re ready."

• "You don’t need to take sides. We’re both still your parents."

  
  

What they need:

• Context without being drawn into marital details

• Reassurance that family connections will continue

• Time and space to process, especially if the announcement comes as a shock

  
  

Final Thoughts

There’s no one-size-fits-all script for talking to your kids about divorce. Some will ask tough questions. Others may go silent. What matters most is your willingness to be honest, calm, and present.

You don’t need to have all the answers. What your children really need is to know that they can count on you, even when the family structure is changing.

Keep it simple. Keep it kind. Keep showing up.